Tuesday, November 19, 2013

It Isn't Your Fault.

I got a comment from somebody Anonymous yesterday, and as I started to reply, I decided to write up a post instead. Because a little comment wasn't enough. And because so many people struggle with similar issues like this one.

Before I start, can I just say that no matter who you are, where you come from, how old you are, what you've done, or if you're a boy or a girl. Your welcome here.
I've noticed that people assume these issues are something girls go through. Boys have feelings too. It's okay to be upset. To love. To cry. To struggle with something. All you boys out there are more than welcome here.

We all have bad days. We all struggle with something every now and again. Whether it's parents divorcing, friends turning on you, bad accidents... You get the idea. It isn't your fault. No matter how you act, how angry or happy you make your parents, if they aren't happy together, they will divorce. But it has nothing to do with you. You can't blame yourself. They just weren't happy together anymore.

It's the same thing with loosing your friends. If you know you made a mistake and you can identify it, then apologise to them, and try to gain their trust again. But if you guys just don't get along anymore, don't blame yourself. People change, they mature and grow. They develop different ideas about things. They start wanting different things from life. They start having different goals. Then you maybe won't have anything in common anymore and just don't see a future for your friendship. Some friendships survive a lot, but others don't. If a friendship ends like this, don't blame yourself and feel guilty. Don't let it bring you or your confidence down. There are billions of people on this planet. Are you trying to tell me that you won't find one good, loyal friend out of billions? Go out, smile, be friendly. Meet new people. Just remember to be yourself. You will meet idiots. But you will meet good people too. Meeting idiots means you learn how to deal with them and cut them out of your life. Meeting good people means, hopefully, a start of a healthy friendship. Take a risk!

If you have fake friends who constantly put you down, cut the friendship. In my opinion, this is a form of bullying. Friends aren't meant to make you feel bad about yourself. It's called a toxic friendship. End it! You deserve good friends. People who love you for who you are. People you can trust. People you can talk to about anything. People you can laugh with. People who you're comfortable being yourself around. People who won't judge you. People who have your back no matter what. That's what friendship is about. And you deserve a proper friendship. Don't try arguing with me about that. No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, you deserve another chance. You deserve your own shot at happiness. You deserve good friends. It's okay to be happy and let life look up for you. No one deserves to be unhappy.

Loosing someone you love, seeing someone you love get hurt, witnessing a car accident, or anything like that, please know that it isn't your fault. Don't go around blaming yourself.
"If only I did this.." "If only I was a few minutes early, this wouldn't have happened..."
I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. No matter how shitty life can get. And how horrible things happen everyday. I honestly believe that there is good in every horrible thing that happened. Anyone can teach themselves to look at the positive things in life. Looking at the negative, you will be unhappy. And to be happy again, you have to change. It's okay to be sad and to cry. But it's not okay to be sad and to cry all the time. Take your time to mourn, to be sad, to cry, to let your feelings out. Then wipe away those tears, tell yourself that you're strong enough to get through this, put a smile on your face and look at the positive thing from your situation. If you can't, focus on life's positive sides.

I'll leave you guys with a beautiful quote:
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they find the best in everything they have."
Think about it.

Stay strong.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Dear Sexual Abuse Survivor

"Dear Sexual Abuse Survivor,

I know what it feels like. I know what to feels like to wake up everyday and look at yourself in the mirror and try to accept what has happened to you. Try to fight away the guilt, telling yourself it isn't your fault. Try to convince yourself that it's okay. That you'll soon forget. 

Truth is, you don't. I'm not going to lie. But you don't ever forget. It is permanent scarring. It will always be there. It will always effect you. But you can control it. You can eventually stop jumping and snapping at whoever touches you. For me, it's people who are close to me that effect me most. I can't bear being touched in any way. Especially adults like parents, uncles, aunts... Maybe it's because my abuser is close family. And even though I trust these figures... I just, I don't know. Them touching them makes me feel very uncomfortable and I get those unwanted flashbacks. 

Sexual abuse effects are different in each person. Another effect I hate is how I can't hug my baby sister or any other little kid, or hold them in my lap without feeling like a nasty pervert if I find my hand on their legs, lower stomach...etc. Even though it's completely innocent, I feel uncomfortable. So now, I'd rather just avoid physical contact with little kids. If I lay down on my bed and realise my hand is next to my chest or lower stomach I feel disgusted by myself and quickly pull my hands away. I'm not sure why. But I hate it. One of the worst effects is how I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone. I have a boyfriend now, we've been together for a while now and despite how comfortable I am with him, I can't sleep with him. I get too uncomfortable and if I force myself to go through with it, I feel miserable, depressed, disgusting and guilty for days... sometimes weeks after. And that takes a huge toll on our relationship. I'm terrified I'll never have a healthy relationship. 

I hate what my abuser did to me. I have no confidence, I am depressed, and I'm finding it very hard to move on from it all. I see a therapist who helps me a lot. But it takes so long to get better. I wish I was stronger. I feel sorry that my boyfriend isn't with someone healthy, someone who won't cry herself to sleep if he touches her in the wrong way. Someone who won't freak out if she's standing in the corner of an elevator full of men. Someone who doesn't curse men and their disgusting sexual desires that are supposed to be a natural part of life. A part of life that I just can't seem to accept. 

But I honestly believe, that one day, I will get better. I will be happy again. I will learn how to trust. How to love. How to be strong. Crying helps, writing helps, talking helps, praying helps, music helps, screaming helps. It's a long, hard journey to get better. But it's possible. I promise you. I've spoken to many people who were able to somewhat move on from their traumas. It really is possible.

Keep fighting. Fight hard. It's worth it. Keep in mind that non of what has happened is your fault. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love and be loved. You really do. Please believe that."

This was emailed to me from a beautiful 19 year old girl, who wishes to remain anonymous. I re-wrote this for her as English isn't her first language. I hope this helps you survivors out there, or helps you to understand other survivors.

Stay strong & beautiful, y'all.